I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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