Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
