Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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