I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Randomize
