She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Farmville is her only friend.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
