just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
