I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
