Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
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