Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
