I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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