Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
