dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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