it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
