why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Randomize
