Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
