How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize