Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
