I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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