the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
