Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
