Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Can I color on your dick again?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
