She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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