Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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