he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize