If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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