his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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