sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
