She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
