I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Randomize
