I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
