Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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