So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
