What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Randomize
