somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
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