For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Verdict: uncircumcised.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize