turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
