My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize