I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
