My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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