I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
