You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
