When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
