Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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