i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
