i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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