Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I have fence marks all over my body
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
