Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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