Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
