someone threw a dead crab at me
accomplished twins. life is a go
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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