so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
