Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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