I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
