I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
