if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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