I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
