If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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