I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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