This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
did i walk over a car last night?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
