Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
The uberlube is also flammable
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
