I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
