I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
