Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
