That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
